The days are long but the weeks fly by...

As I was walking down the hospital hallway today with my husband, I became quite sad in realizing that I never started a journal about our life with our precious little girl Macaylah. I can't even express how upset I felt when realizing how important it is to record such wonderful memories that may otherwise get lost in the shuffle if you do not write them down. And so I begin today with saying..I'm thankful I remembered to remember :)


Our Journey Begins....

I remember the first time I saw her..her tiny fingers..her tiny toes...She was snuggled up in her blanket in her isolette. She looked like a pea in a pod. I so then nicknamed her "sweet pea"..one of the many terms of endearment she will be given :)

I remember the first time I fed her. She was given her food through a tube because her belly was too small to digest her food very well, and she had not developed the "suck swallow" coordination yet. As I held her milk in a syrings that was connected to a tube that went in her mouth to her tummy I remember wondering if she knew that it was her mommy that was feeding her that day. I know now...she knew.

I remember changing her diaper for the first time. I was so scared that I was going to hurt her becuase she was so small. The nurses slapped that fear so fast from my mental rolodex that I was a pro at it within a couple of days!! I owe so much of my confidence in being a mom to Macaylah to many of the nurses in the NICU!!

I remember her first pacifier..no bigger that the tip of my pinky finger...I cried the first time I saw her use it.

I remember her first diaper..about as big as a band aid!

Macaylah was doing well for the first couple of weeks of life. The doctors were amazed at her progress. It was shortly after her PDA ligation that she caught pneumonia which damaged her fragile little lungs. Macaylah was intubated for the surgery and was never able to be weaned of the mechanical ventilator due to the horrible infection she got.

I remember that day....The doctor told us that she had pneumonia and septicemia. He told us that babies as tiny as Macaylah have about a 50% chance of survival. I cried the hardest I have ever cried that day...so did the doctor. I held Macaylah that day.... I held her so close to my heart thinking and praying that she could hear how sad my heart was and that she would know that I was hear to help her fight through this infection. Macaylah turned the corner and fought through the infection like a trooper...til this day I always hold her close to my heart.....

Bearing the unbearable

Being pregnant....beautiful!!

Being pregnant and sick for 17 weeks.....Blah!!

Being pregnant and in and out of the hospital with complications from week 19-24.....Blah X 100

As you might have noticed week 18 is missing from my oh so negative blurbs...well that was the most and ONLY week during my pregnancy that I was in pure bliss!! I felt great! We just found out we were having a girl ,and I was on top of the world!!. We were also home visiting family and it was Christmas! It was the best Christmas gift I have ever been given..well don't tell my hubby that-I'll never get a Coach purse again :)

It started a few days after we came home from the holidays... week 19...Bleeding. It was ONE of the scariest moment in MY life. And I highlight ONE because there will be MANY more to follow. That night I went into the hospital and everything looked normal on the ultrasound. Our little girl was perfect. We were told that sometimes bleeding happens and there is no reason for it. Of course that was unsettling to me but I trusted my doctor. A couple of days later I got another scare..went back into the hosptial and the ultrasound looked great..Our little girl was perfect. I went home. A couple of days later...well ,I think your catchin' the trend. This went on up until week 22. I was finally admitted to the hospital after the docs saw an abruption with my placenta....but once again our little girl was still perfect.

I was in the hospital for about 2 1/2 weeks....it was around 5pm on the evening of Feb 9th when I was craving Wendy's Chili and asked my hubby to run and get me some..ohh... and he was such a great hubby to me..he spent almost every night by my side playing games, giving me baths, holding my hand with every darn pre-term labor contraction, holding my hair while I was soooo sick from the Magnesium Sulfate I was given to stop contractions....and loving me even though I looked horrendous :) So back to the Chili.. as I was devouring the most wonderful chili in the world I started to get my usual contractions I got at around 6pm...but THESE felt different...so different I couldn't even finish my yummy chili! The next thing you know my hands were turning a pasty white from gripping the side rails so hard.....this was it...I was going into TRUE labor. I was 24 weeks and 5 days. With all the knowledge of the major risks we could face, I was filled with fear.

It was 8:57pm..I heard the wonderful cry of our little Macaylah Layne. She was 1lb 9oz. I gave her a kiss and she was rushed off to the Neonatal Intensive care Unit.

The most glorious thing I remember about that night....that the ultrasounds were always right..she was perfect.

Later that evening I climbed into a wheelchair to take what was going to be the most inspirational Journey I will ever emabark on....The journey of being a mom to my little girl.

Remembering

I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. It was early September. I was perusing through Ben Franklin Crafts (getting ideas for an upcoming Halloween party) and I felt this odd sensation in my tummy-sort of a stretching feeling. I felt a bit off that day as well..so OBVIOUSLY that gave me a reason to run into Longs drug store and buy a test. And all you women out there who are chronic testers - you know how absolutely vital it is to test with each and every twinge!!

I rushed into the house.......you know......keys still left in the door..your leftovers from lunch thrown on the counter, and your soda dripping with condensation tossed onto your very expensive sofa table...without a coaster.

Here I was- The anticipation was killing me!! (Us type A individuals can't wait for anything.) "Come on purple line, come on purple line" And there it was... the ever so beautiful SECOND purple line..and what did I do to ruin the most magnificent moment of my life?...I look into the mirror and yelled.."HOLY SHIT" ....yup that's right- such a sacred time in my life, and to all that is holy I acknowledge "SHIT??!!"

I remember not being able to wait to tell the world..you know the whole type A thing getting in the way again :) The worst thing about having to wait 8 hrs for my hubby to come home?? ...having to wait 2 more hours after that, because hubby got a late admission!!

Amidst my giddiness and skipping around the house saying I'm pregnant about a gazillion times, I managed to run to Sports authority and buy My husband a baby sized football. I had this ever so clever plan to hand him this DISTINCTLY pink and blue gift bag with the football wrapped in DISTINCTLY pink and blue tissue paper and have him open it and say "OH MY GOD!!! YOUR PREGNANT" but no....this is how it really went....I handed him the bag and tell him that I got him something special because he works so hard. He begins to open it with such an excited face...as he's ripping open the tissue he look at it...looks at me....looks at it again and says...OH...UH...thanks honey...why is it so small? I love him :) Needless to say once I finally told him...you know what he said (with a huge smile on his face) "NO SHIT!!"

We are made for each other :)

This was one of the happiest moments in my life. Basking in the wonderment of all that is to come....ahhhh...ALL that is to come....ALL that is to come....